You have a disgusting vagina, you filthy woman

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At least, that’s how science wants you to feel. And by science, I mean a very small group of doctors who are trying to make money off your poor self-confidence.

Here are some new words and phrases I learned today: labiaplasty; labia minora (there are some incredibly NSFW images here); “clamshell aesthetic.”

Jezebel reported that there’s a Laguna Beach doctor that takes a woman’s vagina and cuts things and moves parts around so that the vagina resembles a Barbie Doll (you know exactly what I’m talking about). And this doctor, Dr. Red Alinsod, the ol’ so-and-so, has cleverly named the procedure “The Barbie.”  And Dr. Red knows that you could go to any other Vaginal Rejuvenation surgeon, but he believes that his artistry really sets him apart from the pack: “Technical skill is of paramount importance but having an artist’s eye is of equal value,” reads Alinsod’s website. Art has changed from when I was a kid.

There are a lot of questions going through my head, like “WHY?” and “WHAT?”

Cancelling out the small percentage of cases where labiaplasty is actually a legit need (many forum-like websites have led me to understand that the labia can become engorged, and that can make bike riding extremely painful), it seems that the ‘Barbie’ and all other procedures like it are part of a shame-based economy. It seems women are supposed to be embarrassed by their vaginas. Hey young ladies, please ignore your privileged mothers with their vagina-rhino-plasties. Your vagina is going to change, and that’s a fact, but instead of hacking it to pieces, I suggest finding someone to fuck it, or maybe rub it a little (you don’t even need someone!). Get in touch with your vagina. Learn to love every flap and curvature.

A popular Urban Dictionary entry notes, “pussy is pussy.” And, while I might not totally align myself with 50 Cent’s “bitches are bitches” life motto, the former phrasing isn’t the worst slogan for life. A vagina can be big or small, a variety of fruit flavours, and it comes in a rainbow of colours. The reality is, your vagina isn’t like your neighbours. It’s different. It’s special.

So, what I don’t get is why a woman would want something so marble smooth? Are you short of kitchen counter space and need a little extra room to chop your vegetables? And why does the labia need to be removed or reduced to a point where it looks like you have nothing at all? I’ve understood that Barbies present an impossible standard of beauty since I was a 6-year-old, so it seems strange that women would want to willingly become a female eunuch.

I’m a gay man, and I have never had sex with a woman, sure. I haven’t even fingered a girl. I’m not anti-pussy, like it is assumed most gay men are. I’ve looked at photographs, I’ve seen very wet and regular wet versions on film, and I understand how one works. (I think. I’m fairly certain.) So, when I heard about this surgery that would somehow “betters” a woman’s junk, I thought it was a joke. Just checking my spam folder, I have at least 60 e-mails offering me discounts on penis enlargement surgery. I can laugh at that, so my instinct was to laugh at labiaplasty.

I don’t think I’d ever want someone to cut my penis in half, because it seems painful and unnecessary. I realize that penises and vaginas aren’t necessarily the same, but of all of the cosmetic procedures in all of the world, I can safely say as a woman-loving human being that you do not need this.  You can play with Barbies and I can play with Barbies (and even your straight friend Jimmy can play with Barbies and not be gay), but you aren’t one. Get used to it.

• Unhappy With Your Gross Vagina? Why Not Try ‘The Barbie’? [Jezebel]

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