How to be a man in 2013 (except, um, don’t listen to this loser, please)


My friend Randi Bergman sent me an article she received from PR company “News and Experts” titled “How to be a Man in 2013,” written by a man named Mark Marchetti who used to be a cop. He notes, thoughtlessly, that “Coming from the most culturally progressive areas of California, I’m basically a live-and-let-live kind of guy, but I can sympathize with the sentiment that male virility has been sequestered, and I think we could afford its return.” For too long, men have been bound by shackles! It is time for a return to masculinity! We haven’t been able to be white privileged men from California for TOO LONG. Below are Marchetti’s bulleted points on how you can reclaim your masculinity. These are very important points and should be taken very seriously.

• Grow a beard: Facial hair has meant many things to various cultures throughout history, from philosophical indifference to paternal maturity. In case you haven’t already noticed, most women don’t want to compete with their man for “Who’s the Prettiest.” If you can’t grow a good beard, allow the scruff to have its way for about a week, shave on Sunday, rinse, repeat.

Want to be a real man? Well, look no further than stopping competition with the other sex re: beauty. Women just want to be the pretty ones, duh. Like, don’t take that away from them.

• Ditch the domesticated cat lifestyle: One thing is certain – real men were not born to sit still in front of a computer all day under florescent lights, eat Weight Watchers for lunch and watch dancing competitions with their wives at night … But if this lifestyle is necessary during the week, mix it up on the weekend! Go camping, catch a few fish or just cut loose with the boys with a few beers and jokes you wouldn’t tell the boss or wife, assuming they’re two different people.

Bros should be bros, guys. Dancing With the Stars is for chicks. But if your number one broad forces you to watch reality TV (that is so like her!), just balance it out with some ice fishing, or maybe some dudes-only jokery! When the cat’s away, the boys will play!

• For the young bloods … Too many teenage boys sit on their butts (getting fat!) playing video games. Why not use the technology of the natural world? Check out a sport, a team or individual one, and see what your body is made of. Fishing and hiking is a great way to experience what life was like … before digital games and instant messaging!

Everyone knows that young people are sedentary! The Internet is so weird, and people who use it are predators and fat. Real men are fishermen and day hikers, and they should not be instant messaging. That’s for ladies and boys.

• Get reacquainted with your muscles: You can make a good case that men belong to the more “physical” gender; we have better coordination skills, tend to be physically stronger, have better night vision and, packed with testosterone, have sex on the mind most of the time. A sedentary lifestyle and bad eating habits have taken what may be our greatest distinguishing feature and turned it against us. But there’s nothing like the feel of a cathartic workout to put a guy back in touch with his body – and the benefits of exercise affect nearly every aspect of a man’s life.

Real men sweat! Don’t rely on exercise for health reasons. You should work out because man’s God-given gift was musculature and to turn your back on that is a fool’s game. If you understand man’s right to muscle, the life-fulfilling health benefits will follow. And only then. Sorry, ladies, you’re not as strong as us boys, so don’t emasculate us by doing crunches!!!

• Embrace your “Inner-Dude;” he’s alright: Although confidence makes everyone attractive, one could argue this goes double for men. Self-assurance, however, is impossible if you’re constantly second-guessing your instincts, like what you find funny or simply needing time to yourself. Don’t be afraid of what you like, or what you need.

Just know that The Big Lebowski is a film. And ‘The Dude’ would want you to embrace your “Inner-Dude.” Damn those metrosexuals for making all of us fellas second guess our instincts! Men just lack confidence these days, and it’s time we realize that. Oh, and that goes double for men, because LADIES ARE LESS LACKING IN THE CONFIDENCE DEPARTMENT.

For Dude Bro-erson to even suggest that men have been denied any bit of their manhood worth having is so ludicrous. None of these issues are actually things that are putting a halt to the trajectory of the ‘great white male.’ I hope this man paid handsomely for these PR services, because LOL ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Also, say hello to Mark Marchetti:


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