In the gay wild, there is one species that can stop a sexual transaction before it starts: the ‘Size Queen.’

But don’t worry. Science has proof that there is a way to avoid the shallow-dwelling boner-killer: Become a barnacle.

I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out. Barnacles are known to be able to adapt to situations by changing their penis size. National Geographic reported that the sedentary barnacle can evolve its penis up to EIGHT TIMES the length of its body. That’s eight times. In human terms, that makes barnacles the Chad Hunt of arthropods. They can also make their penises shorter and stouter should waves be so strong that a long skinny penis would flop around.

Ever thought, “damn, my penis is too small for local gay bar heartthrob Corey Carmicheal?” or “damn, my penis is so big, no one will want to engage in coitus, not even local bottom slut Reggie Studebaker?” Thankfully there’s a cure for member dysmorphia, and that’s becoming a barnacle.

University of Alberta biologist Heather Proctor can’t stop looking at these magic penises with delight. On other arthopods: “these terrestial arthopods are trying really hard to keep their genitalia exactly the same size. So it’s really neat to see that this aquatic arthopod is so flexible in the morphology of its penis,” says Proctor.

• Barnacles Can Change Penis Size and Shape [National Geographic]